Feb 14 2010 A new era of time

Well, it has been awhile and alot has gone on in this family of mine. We now have a almost 7 month old grandson. He may have been concieved out of violence but he was born into love by a family that is most grateful for him and his mother's safe return home. That is a pain I would never want anyone to go through.

Glen and I have been married now for 26 yrs this month. I still feel in awe that we have not killed each other during this time. I know that I have been very trying. I still feel as though God has a purpose for us to be together and have this family. I wish I knew what I keep looking for the reason daily.

One thing I have learned over the years is that God has a time table and we don't always understand that table and it is rarely insynic with ours. I realize that we all must go through trials and they aren't alwasy easy but at times I get so tired and crave the peace of going home and knowing all will be well and that nothing can harm me again. Selfish it is of me to feel this way but the truth nonethe less.

I have been told countless times how blessed I am for the husband and family that I have and yet I feel like such a failure in tending to my family. A woman I know is trying to become more like the Proverbs Woman that God has blueprinted out for us to be. She wrote a list of qualities that make up the proverb woman. To a small degree we have a very small amount of those qualities in us and complete them but not enough to make us the woman God wants us to be.

I have read for years what makes a good wife and try to be that. I fail at it greatly, the world gets in my way and I lose all my confidences. I ask God for opening of my eyes to see my faith more clearly and I just want to cry with what I see. I don't have enough faith, although God says to have the faith of a mustard seed will carry you through, I beleive mine is so much less. I need to improve in my studies again and try harder to improve all that is in my life and that of my family. I need to stop being so selfish and give more of my time and do more.

My house needs to be in order and it isn't so I am planning some vacation time from my job just so I can put my house in order and get the house clean. I am hoping that it will stay that way. I am also working on cleanin up the yard and putting in a garden so to help manage our food bill and provide healthier meals for us to eat. These things are physical but will lead towards the spiritual and mental attitudes that need changing as well.

The proverbs woman wakes early to talk with God...I need to listen more than talk to him in the mornings. I am up early and at times get several things done before getting ready for work. I stay tired because I do not take the rest that God requires of us. I miss church and need to start back again. But the word fear is so strong here. Fear that I will be judge unworthy to be in the same church again. I remember what it feels like to be told you are not welcome to join us even though it was my family along with others who helped build the church up from nothing and built a building and all that goes with it. I remember being baptized and now after the greed of the world stepped in the building is gone and the congration has moved to several diffrent churchs now and Walmart has taken over the lands that once were holy grounds. I cry because I can not seem to find the right home church again with the love that is suppose to be there.  I need my time allow with God to help me but I also need the fellowship of a church that isn't judging or of this world and makes you feel unworthy.

I miss my walks from my youth when I would talk and listen to God each night. I would walk for hours in the neighborhood of my youth. Now to walk at night in any nieghborhood is just to dangerous. I miss my quiet time. I had no distraction during those walks and they would help me out so much. I need that again in my life.

I am not sure what is in store for me in the future. I can only pray for guidance and love to see me through. lets all pray for peace and understanding. I know I need it!